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“Time to Walk Away”

Alexa Loryn | Written: 4/10/2021

If I could go back to my younger self before I was ever married the first time, during my singleness, I would have told her “love yourself.” Don’t look for someone to love you how you need and desire. People are not perfect and will let us down and not meet our expectations.

 

If we struggle with low self esteem, poor self image, negative self talk, tearing ourselves down constantly, then I would say we don’t love ourselves well or even at all. I came from divorced parents and saw their relationship crumble before my eyes. In that moment I HATED divorce and told myself no matter what I would “NEVER” get divorced I didn’t want my kids to suffer. I grew up broken and felt very lonely. This desire for a husband and my own family burned deep in my heart. I was willing to settle for any person who was just “nice to me, and gave me attention.”

Where I failed was when I thought I would attain love and find someone to heal my heart and show me the love I always longed for not understanding only Jesus could do that. Sadly I had yet to understand the true love of Christ. By the age of 23 I only had 2 actual boyfriends that lasted between 6-12 months. I spent most my life single up until that point. I remember my last relationship being at the age of 20 and when the relationship ended him telling me I was an “emotional rollercoaster.” He was right! The only example I had growing up was how my parents interacted and their lack of respect for one another. I thought fighting was “normal.” I thought raging in anger, yelling, and being rude was okay if I was hurting.

At age 23, I reconnected with someone from High School who I always thought was so handsome. He was kind to me and we went to church together. We dated 6 months and got married! I knew he “had” once struggled with addiction but being naïve what addiction really looked like I would be in for a rude awaking over the next 4 years of our marriage. I remember when we dated we got along great we didn’t fight at all! We saw each other everyday and loved eachother’s company. We were both Christians and agreed not to have sex until marriage. We also decided to fast and pray 40 days before we got married: 1-2 weeks before the wedding I realize he was actively using. He lied to me the WHOLE time we dated but, “I loved him so much” I figured rehab would help him right?

I moved forward with the marriage but remember the day we got married just not feeling right. I felt strange and not really excited. I thought, I made this commitment, so now I will stay here. On our honeymoon we got in a crazy fight and I wanted to call my dad to get me! I realized quickly I made a mistake but it was too late. I did not believe in divorce and figure this was it. I kept telling myself... “if he didn’t do drugs we would have such a great relationship” but the reality was he was an active addict. I kept trying to live in this illusion I made of our marriage and not the true reality of what our life was.

After constant rehabs and jails my anxiety was at an all time high! I literally wanted to die so I didn’t have to deal with it anymore. I had always battled anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts since childhood so being in highly stressful situations were not good for me. I always would think death was the answer in those moments of despair. The saddest part is you would say “why not get a “divorce”? DEATH IS NOT THE ANSWER.”

 

 

I can honestly say I never prayed to God as much as I did in that marriage. I prayed for him and my mental health daily! I got to the point that I could not understand why God would deliver others from addiction and not my husband. I fasted and prayed! I stayed through all the rehabs and jail time. I honestly wanted to see him delivered and it broke my heart daily! Towards the last month of our relationship I would anoint him with oil every day and pray “God please protect him, and don’t let him go to jail, I just can’t take the stress anymore” and God did hear me. One day I sadly saw my husband trying to get high, and when I saw his condition I was just done. I asked him “have you ever tried to apply what you have learned in rehab?” He honestly said “No” to me. I said well if you’re not going to make different choices I will. The next day my prayer was “God, if he is not going to change and do the right things and goes to jail one more time I will know it’s time for me to walk away and leave.” That same week he called me from jail that he had been arrested and I knew in that moment it was over.

I remember when I was younger judging divorced people and thinking “Why didn’t they just make it work.” Only to experience what I did and realize you cannot control another person’s choices or actions. You can only focus on yourself and grow. I remember while talking to God one day saying... “God, I did things the “right” way. I didn’t have sex until we got married. I gave you my life so when I got married one day I would never get divorced.” I felt the Holy Spirit say “Alex, you can’t do XYZ, expecting a certain result, I do not work that way.” I had believed this lie that if I did everything God wanted me to I could control the outcome of my life. Instead I chose not to heed His warning before I got married when he clearly tried showing me the truth. I lacked judgment and did not allow His wisdom to guide me. Shortly after, during the divorce proceedings, I was in a counseling session and I had a vision of a Black River and felt the Holy Spirit say “like a black river be careful who you join yourself to because they will take you places I never called you to.”

After the divorce was final I still wondered if I made the right choice. I always wondered what if he gets sober? What if I should have stayed? Later, I learned through out the years that he still battled addiction. I never felt bitterness or anger towards him nor ever wished him any ill. If anything, I prayed God would truly set him free one day and use his testimony to help others. I forgave him and myself.

Sometimes we chose to join ourselves with someone who may not be God’s will for our life. God will give us warning signs and show us the truth but He can’t make the choice for us to walk away. We have to learn to allow wisdom to guide us and stop chasing what God is telling us to let go.

 

#divorce #marriage #love #jesus #heartofaseeker

I would have told her “love yourself.”

The scripture says “He who loves his wife loves himself. For we are members of his body” (Ephesians 5:28). This scripture got me thinking, a man loving his wife is a reflection of how he loves himself. I feel we can say that goes for woman too. Then it says “we are members of His body” and though we are one in God; it also says when we join with our spouse we become one flesh.

“like a black river be careful who you join yourself to because they will take you places I never called you to.”

Well, God HATES divorce right? I was so eager to please God and be perfect that I did not see a way out! One day in church the pastor spoke about “how even God gave Israel a certificate of divorce because of their adulteries (their continued disobedience)” (ref. Jeremiah 3:8). Adulteries can be idols; anything we prioritize before God, not just sexual sin. I did not believe what I had heard. I began studying the matter and found a book that spoke about divorce from a biblical perspective. It spoke about how God loved people more than the institution of marriage. If that relationship is harming one or both parties in it then God would rather it be dissolved so that one or both people can fulfill their purpose in Christ.

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